Hey kids you’re about to listen to a

comedy podcast

that means that none of this is medical

advice if you need

medical advice for medical care please

contact your doctor

welcome to the jock doc podcast

featuring dr london smith

he’s a medical scholar lover of all

things sports

but above all else he’s a major

celebrity

introducing your host dr

london smith hello

and welcome to the jock doc podcast

where we discuss fitness and health

and how to incorporate our modern

understanding of science and medicine

into our daily lives but without it

being so boring

i’m your host dr londonsmith.com

i would like to begin by apologizing to

our listeners

we’ve received some feedback about the

excessive amount of technical medical

terms that i’ve been using

such as dexamethasone suppression test

and

2021 so i’ll try to tamper my

terminology to a simpler one in the

future

here to help with that is our producer

cameron hey

hey dr london how uh did you uh

have a fun chris you know christmas

vacation new year’s

yeah it was all right i’d you know

connect to anything

make new friends or anything like that

well no i’d kind of just i mean i guess

i met a few new

yeah yeah i met a few new people but

like it was all it was

you know we got tested before we hung

out yeah uh-huh dr london

uh i’ve got to be honest

i’ve been wanting to talk to you about

this for a little while now but i think

the celebrity of this podcast has gone

a bit to your head yes

in what way i actually saw in the

tabloids

that over the last few weeks you’ve been

hanging out with uh

all these a-list stars these celebrity

types i didn’t realize that was who you

were i thought you were more of a

professional didn’t realize you were a

celebrity doctor

i mean you were hanging out with i saw

you had a private zoom session

with i mean petrina marina one of the

biggest pop singers in the world

and then exonerated terrorist exonerated

though

yeah sure but you also had a writing

session with the dust-up twins

yes which is vegas’s biggest variety

stage act

and it’s dust-based well and they just

think it’s basically dust yeah yeah they

do like dust

bubbles and they spell things in dust

it’s almost like

wash means yeah yeah stuff like that

what’s your point because that sounds i

mean

so are you jealous that i have friends

that aren’t you

or well a yes obviously

yes b i just thought you were more about

the work about the medicine not about

you know fame and and being famous and

being on the masked singer or whatever

your goal is i i don’t know what the

goal is here well when they asked me how

you be on the best singer i did decline

if that’s what you’re getting at

uh i heard

through the grapevine that you’ve been

hanging out with

gizmo from gremlins you were at a

socially distanced

cocktail party that’s right

once again i don’t see the problem i

whenever

maybe you don’t realize this because

you’re only the producer on this show

you think gizmo’s a good influence on

you

i i think he knows a lot that a lot of

other

stays out all night okay

i okay i i only tried that once but like

i stay out all night sometimes whenever

i’m you know working a

night shift that’s that’s not crazy

gizmo’s actually kind of deep

you know he smokes marijuana

and everyone has their little they’re

sorry they’re immense character flaws

but

uh you know giz you are on a on a words

with friends

chain game with pete holmes and the guy

who was fired from snl a while ago

yeah the the uh the racist

the one who had a racist podcast thing

yeah

yeah yeah um yeah but y’all just play

words with friends now i didn’t even

know that game still

existed i thought that was the thing

from like nine

years ago it was and you know

thanks the influence of some of these uh

cancel cultured people which

the canceled culture oh i’ve been

talking to gizmo about this

and he’s actually really opened my eyes

on some of it

yeah he’s really opinionated he’s got

like a he was a big like

gamergate blogger guy yeah that’s right

i don’t like this influence dr

london why i what i i can’t

ask why i know it’s because you’re

jealous you’ve said it and also it’s uh

it’s plain on your face look whenever

you

reach this level of celebrity by being

the host

of a medical education podcast

it’s not bad if it goes to your head a

little bit because

it’s just the appropriate amount like

that’s just how it is being a celebrity

i

you know i these are my friends now

you’re just saying you see yourself

accurately with how the world sees you

that’s right

it’s not it’s not an exaggeration it’s

yeah

precisely the correct way to perceive

myself

and yeah you know okay gizmo’s been

telling me about how some people might

be jealous and might act out and you

know

i guess gizmo i don’t know gizmo does a

lot of writing

gizmo’s kind of deep i’ve heard he does

a lot of stuff

yeah a lot of different stuff he’s a

busy guy

yeah and you know more power to you know

i’m pretty busy too and so he and i

relate

on you know we we talk about sometimes

about our time management skills but

then other times you know he reads me

some of his poetry

i don’t know like uh gizmo especially is

really

i don’t know we had a lot of

heart-to-heart were you facetiming with

the reddit alien guy earlier

you know the little alien guy uh yes yes

i was and

uh it went well i think like he had a

lot of is that was that a business

opportunity or is that just the social

thing

it’s hard to really separate the two

oh yeah everything’s business to you now

huh

well it’s just networking you know yeah

everything in the transactional world of

hollywood

well you know it’s the front page of the

internet is is reddit and so obviously

i’m gonna talk to this guy

like it’s

i you know another thing gizmo told me

was that

because of the jealousy people might

treat me differently in a negative way

and that i need to be on guard and you

know

do something about it if if there’s a

problem but

you know i guess i told you about fake

friends

yes i tried to not let you ever find out

about fake friends

yeah uh which which was a

weird app concept but um

in any case this whole thing today

was sort of supposed to be an

intervention

that’s how i set it up originally to to

like

to intervene yeah but yeah i sent

everyone

who i thought was your friends an invite

and no one even responded

so i i figured it didn’t make sense as

an intervention because it’s just

me kind of kind of calling you out a bit

yeah so no no one ruth no one responded

and so i really didn’t want you to learn

about the concept of fake friends

because you know you know then

none of them will show up for your well

maybe they just wouldn’t show up because

they don’t think i need an intervention

yeah um that’s got to be it bud anyways

that’s our producer cameron uh also with

us

is digital in the house

dr london i’ve got to be honest i’ve

been wanting to talk to you about this

for a little while now but i think

the celebrity of this podcast

has gone a bit to your head

why i what i i can’t ask why i know it’s

because you’re jealous you’ve said it

and also it’s not

it’s plain on your face look whenever

you

reach this level of celebrity by being

the host

of a medical education podcast it’s not

bad if it goes to your head a little bit

because

it’s just the appropriate amount like

that’s just how it is being a celebrity

i

you know i these are my friends now

like that’s just how it is being a

celebrity

like that’s just how it is being a

celebrity and

later cameron tells us that we can

expect a special guest

so look forward to that that’s right dr

london before we move on

i would like to address a bit of

listener feedback

so i had this uh this care package

arrived

and i don’t know you know your

experience with care packages but

you know they’ll fall from the sky via

you know a note tied to a

weight and in this case it was just you

know a lead

round weight and there was a note tied

to it so that

fell down and tied to the care package

right it’s not just

a basically a rock with a note well

the method is the same as a care package

yeah it’s a care package because there’s

a caring note oh

but it was just just a lead weight and a

note that that’s all that

the whole thing consisted of other care

packages might

you know apples

yeah and like in a package and uh

parachuted in or whatever but

um no it said anyway this listener

sent me this message via cared packaged

dropped through part of part of the deck

that’s now

broken from it the note reads quote god

created horses too

would you also smoke a horse end quote

um yeah well so first of all thank you

so much to this listener for reaching

out to us here on the jock talk podcast

to to answer the is this directed at

gizmo yes

i i i guess so

you’re talking about cause gizmo likes

to talk about

all the time he talks about well god

made it

it grows from the ground so why can’t we

smoke it

yeah and which which is an argument that

made

way more sense like 10 years ago when he

was saying it i think

most states in the country have some

form of

legalized marijuana either recreational

or medicinal a lot of them have

yeah it’s like 30 something now

yeah and you know

i mean but part of part of the blowback

is and i think

maybe one of the reasons he likes to

hang out with me is because i keep

saying

that you know it’s the it’s satan made

that

that’s that’s the devil so

um maybe that’s part of what what is

influence anyway so

uh would i smoke a horse

to this listener’s question i would say

yeah

i don’t god made it and it’s organic

everyone these days is addicted to these

chemicals that we don’t even know

what’s in them i pick up a can of coke

and i you know i look at the the uh

ingredients

what do i think is gonna be in there

cola

coca-cola both yeah

but you know water sugar

syrup you know those are the three the

four ingredients in cola

and then i look back there and it’s like

benzenes or xandoate

mm-hmm tron tron 47

you’re saying because it has a large

number of

ingredients listed that i would smoke a

horse

yeah okay all right well um

thank you to this listener for for

reaching out and i hope that we answered

your question i i don’t th that’s

cameron’s answer i don’t know that i

would smoke a horse that sounds

denied i i don’t

the physicality of it i don’t really

understand how you would approach it but

in any case we can go ahead and move on

to our medical topic

acute respiratory distress syndrome

so acute respiratory distress syndrome

or

ards for short is an acute diffuse

inflammatory form of lung injury that is

associated with a variety of etiologies

recognizing and probably treating ards

is

critical to reduce the associated high

mortality

so basically it’s your your lungs are

inflamed and just diffusely inflamed and

it’s uh

it’s a it’s a bad thing and if you don’t

treat it then people die

why are you so like dark

and negative this is the kind of

depressing stuff you want to talk

this is a brand new year new

opportunities and you want to focus on

mortality rates and death and want to

make people think about

their mortal lives

well i want to talk about the actually

fun diseases

dr london you know what i mean

like i saw this video the other day of

this dog who was like tiptapping around

he was dancing around and his arms were

like flailing around all crazy and it

was really funny

and then i read in the comments this dog

has

like a neurological neural neuro

neurological disease yeah

neurological disease so and that’s

funny and so like why not talk about

stuff like that that can get people

laughing and like having fun and like

getting up and dancing

because i mean think about it if this

dog has this disease

and he’s still able to learn how to

dance

with such cool moves then anyone

can become president of the united

states

so so normally we we try to avoid

you know laughing at the expense of

disabled creatures that you know that’s

kind of considered to be a mean thing no

it wasn’t expensive at all i only had to

pay

two dollars to see this video oh the

video was behind a paywall

yeah well i found this great website

where each video is only two bucks

so i was used to be paying way more

for like cable and all that stuff now i

just use this website

that it’s it’s called

viral cache

dot man and that’s its name is that also

the url

yeah it’s viral cache.man okay but

there’s

there’s there’s three hyphens in there

okay

and um yeah it’s like two bucks a video

it’s uh really

you know they’re not a sponsor or

anything but i do want to shout them out

yeah

so and okay and so this is the

absolutely it’s not that expensive at

all

okay well anyway so to get back to ards

it can be

caused by a lot of different things um

caused by sepsis infectious aspirational

pneumonia

trauma and burns pancreatitis smoke

inhalation shock

transfusion related acute lung injury

cardiothoracic surgery hematopoietic

stem cell transplant

drug toxic toxicity a lot of things

but it should be suspected in patients

with progressive symptoms of uh dyspnea

and that’s difficulty breathing um it

can have an

increased requirement for oxygen and

alveolar infiltrates

on chest imaging within six to 72 hours

of

an exciting event see like

that’s funny like chest imaging

that that to you is humorous

like drawn are you talking about like

when someone passes out like a party and

you like draw like funny pictures

all over their chest no no i’m referring

to

drawing images x-ray of the chest and

sometimes like

you draw dude sometimes like you would

draw like a big

butt i would yeah you would draw like a

big

butt you know what i mean dude

no but like the you in the like larger

sense

i like whenever i like my freshman 15

yeah like before i got like lost the

weight

well you know yeah anyway so

but not lost it per se but moved it

around i guess

well anyway uh clinically uh eight or

ards patients

um they typically present with uh

dyspnea

and a reduction in arterial oxygen

saturation after

six hours following inciting event

although you got plastic surgery is what

i’m trying to say

and this is part of the celebrity thing

that i wanted to talk about

yeah well i mean you took some of the

fat from some places

and you put it in your lips that

yeah well yes i i i don’t see how that’s

wrong

it’s not wrong i just don’t know if it’s

you

well i mean i don’t want to transplant

fat so it’s not pressured into being

someone

that you’re not oh look gizmo is a

pleasure to be around but

yeah sometimes the the talk is a little

judgmental but i think it’s i think it’s

healthy

i think it’s healthy for me to it sounds

like he’s making you feel bad about your

body doctor

no i feel great and then suggesting you

you

go i feel better now

now that now that he accepts you oh he

just had great advice that’s all now

that

now that he tells you you look great

well he doesn’t really i feel like he

hasn’t even noticed but

uh on on examination uh patients can

have uh tachypnea

and that’s increased respirations they

can have tachycardia that’s increased

heart rate

what would the guy who was fired from

snl a while ago

think of you just just just

following gizmo’s orders

your your issue now would be with

uh the guy who got cancelled having a

problem

with me trying to superficially better

myself

for gizmo the gremlin yeah okay

i you know and i i have learned a lot

from that guy

in terms of you know just like from

gizmo about cancel culture and how

dumb it can be if if you’re the one who

gets cancelled

but i’m not

currently cancelled so it’s kind of okay

i get anyway um patients can also have

diffuse crackles uh when severe acute

confusion respiratory distress

cyanosis and that’s cyan uh like the

color

blue uh that’s that’s where the term

cyanosis comes from

uh they can have a diaphoresis

or shortness of breath all that may be

evident in ards

uh other symptoms such as cough chest

pain wheeze hemoptysis

that’s coughing up blood and fever are

inconsistent and

so those are mostly driven by the

underlying ideology

so initial chest radiograph typically

has bilateral diffuse

pulmonary infiltrates although findings

can be subtle uh

ct scan of the chest may show widespread

patchy

and or coalescent airspace opacities

that are usually more apparent

uh in the dependent lung zones opacities

can be subtle

but it can become consolidative in

appearance you know when the severity

worsens arturo blood gas

or abg’s uh they can show hypoxemia and

ph imbalance among other findings

uh you know just in general patients are

going to be

you know in this respiratory stress

they’re they’re not gonna be looking

good

they can have yeah everyone is gonna be

in pain

and you’re not gonna cure them at all

okay and everything’s sad and

everything’s depressing because that’s

what the world is

they can have welcome to 2021 everyone

fever

i’m dr london fever hypotension

leukocytosis with the left shift

low bar consolidation lactic acidosis or

patients with shock may have evidence of

organ failure including transaminases

and renal

insufficiency okay well now we’re

getting to the bright side what about

like

what about like what about like stink

toe that would be a funny disease

is that something well there’s there’s

that does that have like stink tape

breath that’s a condition

uh halitosis okay so that’s funny

me so talk about you ever you ever had a

guy come in with stinky breath syndrome

and you just are like

oh buddy here’s a mint

you need some gum well normally we’ll

try to figure out what

you know what the underlying issue is

like there could be a

you know like a pocket in the in the

esophagus where food is

did you eat a diaper full of chili were

foods getting trapped

and that you know and soon we’ll move

into the

gastrointestinal system in our topics

but

so for right now probably we’ll just

focus on treatment for ards which is

you know you try to keep the oxygen

saturation over 90 percent

you will use uh pep is the term it’s

high

positive and expiratory pressure with

low tidal volumes

patients in respiratory distress often

they’re trying to bait me with that i’m

not gonna take it

not biting all right well patients with

uh respiratory stress they often require

intubation so this would obviously

be part of the treatment as well but uh

as i mentioned earlier before

treatment is you know it’s based on the

underlying cause

of the acute respiratory distress

syndrome that’s that’s how you focus

it uh in any case

um yeah we can go ahead and move on

uh i think we’ve talked enough about you

know my

my time in the tabloids with with gizmo

and with that that guy you got cancelled

from snl

yeah because that’s all you care about

now is your celebrity and your new

friends and you don’t care anything

about the patients or the medicine

or my poker night which you forgot about

forgot’s a strong word i

uh look you the the problem with your

poker nights is

you always insist on betting

using live exotic animals

as your chips

okay and so normally that would be a

place where people would be like oh no

or no

exception but you’re just agreeing yes

so

to me that’s problematic well you’re

just mad because you always forget to

bring your poker

when everyone comes over to my house and

we all have our fire pokers and we stand

in a circle and we poke

these exotic animals that we’ve bet on

yeah you know what you’ll just always

forget a poker and so you always feel

left out that’s what you’re mad about

i yeah from yeah hurting animals is

i don’t think that my it’s not hurting

them

what it’s poking them with a sharp

for me yeah i don’t think my problem was

so much with the uh what i didn’t have

it’s mostly what was

it’s not hurting them because animals

are very brave especially exotic animals

and so they don’t feel the same pain

that you or i do

they see this sort of noble yeah in any

case it

we can go ahead and move on from there

if that’s all right

all right uh cameron said that we have a

guest today is that right

that’s right dr london new year

new guest that’s what i always say every

single year

yeah i guess i don’t hey how’s it going

hey

hey well my name is dr londonsmith.com

and this is our producer cameron

uh what was your name oh my name was

mela practice

i’m an attorney okay

all right well what uh what brings you

on the podcast today

yes so right now i’ve got a couple of

clients

that are actually are working on these

social distancing projects

okay so they’re projects to promote

social distancing yeah so um i can’t

really say

specifically you know who the clients

are just because uh

it’s kind of a conflict of interest but

um

for example one of the projects uh that

one of my clients are working on

is the it’s called the adam’s apple

and basically what that is is it’s

similar to a golf ball

that you actually get uh implanted into

the back of your trachea

and it’s got a little microchip in it

and when someone comes up to you and

they’re within

six feet it just starts screaming

from your actual voice because it’s

connected

please get the beep away from me

and it just keeps repeating louder and

louder until you’re

just full on screaming yes wow

and does it actu does it beep or does it

actually say the bad word

um well you can set the user settings to

however you like

um okay so there’s like a parental

filter on it yeah yes exactly

because you know it’s like we don’t want

the little kids hearing you know like

the f word or something like that

um but sometimes like the client uh just

likes to keep it very fun

and they’ll just kind of set it on

random modes so you might

you know be sending your kid to class or

something and

uh maybe they’re going to the loo and

then the f word starts screaming out if

someone walks behind them you know

i mean that’s that sounds pretty it’s

it’s nice when

these kind of uh you know a

medical thing medical inventions people

can have like a sense of humor about it

you know

right and can you set different voices

to it like on

waze like can you set like a mr t or

like a paula deen or something like that

um well currently from my understanding

of reading the

research paperwork um really there’s

only about

76 variations of microsoft sam

so it it isn’t too customizable i mean

there is you know

uh more than a baker’s dozen of options

but

sure sure it’s not like you can get

you know mr t uh someone that

cool on there right now but they’re

definitely it’s in the works you know

they’ve got developers and a whole team

and

all sorts so it’s

it will start yeah i’m sorry maybe i

missed it it’ll start

yelling the device will from inside of

your body or from outside of your body

um so yeah that’s a great question uh dr

london smith um by the way i want to

just

take a second out to congratulate you on

the uh tabloids as well you’re getting

very famous

uh produce a camera as well it’s a huge

accomplishment

yes yes indeed but to uh backtrack a

little bit and answer your question

there

it actually uses your own vocal cords

to produce the noise wow

okay i is there a reason why

why that because that sounds invasive to

me that sounds like

it would require a clinical procedure um

you know going down you know like uh

i don’t know like intubation which is

actually what we talked about in the

medical lesson

but that’s that’s a fairly invasive

thing to do

and this is just you’re saying why

modify someone’s vocal cords when you

could

say attach a one dollar bluetooth

speaker that would be significantly

louder

and better right because potentially you

would

if you’re you could because you could

play lincoln park on it

oh yeah that would be great i mean

that’s a very very valid point you bring

up there

um and i do agree with you actually it

is extremely invasive

um the procedure from my understanding

actually takes

three to six months um but the reason

why they didn’t just do the cheap you

know little teensy weensy

dollar store holla bluetooth device

is because really um

you know we’re all in it for the money

to be quite

and you know honest is what i’m not an

inventor and i’m not a scientist

and so i mean this is why i’m not i’m

not a businessman i don’t know these

things

right and you know so it’s

it’s making people spend more money just

for the sake

of having them spend more money

essentially well

exactly it’s like for example i’ve got a

couple of

clients currently that uh you know are

working on

different cancer treatments and stuff

and they have actually claimed that they

have the cure for cancer but they

explained to me

and especially with my attorney fees

being as high as they are

they were saying that you know if they

had a cure

that doesn’t create long-term

sustainable revenue for the business

and so if we just have these

ridiculously expensive and highly

invasive procedures that are going to be

you know occurring ongoing expenses for

months and months

then we can maximize our profits

maximize the pain for our customers

and we can carry on from there and i can

sleep happy at night

knowing that my bank account is full

well and that money is gonna then

obviously

like trickle back down right yet to

the employees and the customers

out of the goodness of the hearts of the

of the of the ceos and everything

pulling that money in

and that’s the sort of trust we have in

the medical system today

dr london can i borrow 7 500

no no i don’t think so so um

so if we had a cure for cancer we would

be you know

using it but just with a cancer example

you know there’s so many different types

of cancers okay variations

if they hit a cure for cancer they’re

not going to tell you about it

nope why wouldn’t they tell me because

you’re just a celeb doctor what are they

gonna call up dr

phil and dr oz too you were legitimate

one week ago

before you were all over the tabloids

you were a legitimate

professional doctor but now i mean

you’re

uh you’re you’re more like uh

um you know when brian cranston was on

seinfeld as a dentist

but he wasn’t even really because he’s

just an actor playing a character

look boom

any publicity is good publicity and

i think you know i wasn’t violating any

ethical things whenever i was in those

tabloids

i you know i’m excited for me and

yes if whenever you’re at the forefront

whenever you’re the face of medicine

then people will tell you about new

research

that maybe they won’t tell everyone else

so i’m okay so you

do you’re what you were saying is you do

know about the cure for cancer that

they’re trying to keep under wraps

uh so so um which is it it’s one or the

other either you’re not being told these

things because they can’t trust

your big mouth to not blab it all over

tmz

or you do know about it and you’re lying

to our audience here

or you’re calling our guest on our show

a liar so mr practice uh you said you

have

other social distance new inventions um

i don’t know if i’d so

call them uh inventions or not but uh

for example one of the other clients

that i currently have

uh one of their projects is actually

have you are you guys familiar with the

uh

the giant plastic it’s kind of like a

human hamster ball

yes yeah yeah like a like a zorb

yeah yeah like the zorbs or

maybe orbs or whatever you want to call

them but uh

yeah so some of my clients they have uh

essentially those and i mean you can’t

get

you know within six feet really of

anybody because the uh

the joint hamster ball is blocking it

and then they actually went

a step further and they went and they

filled the entire hamster ball with

these flying

bats and so what the bots do

is there’s actually a little lever

inside the hamster ball

so if someone’s not in a bubble then you

can pull the lever

and it releases at least you know 30 40

bahts

and then causes mass panic and then

everyone gets away from you

and then you don’t have to worry about

it anymore

so it’s yeah it’s sort of the ultimate

social distancing tool

that’s fascinating so so i’m not sure

if you’re aware of this but you know uh

bats can carry

rabies which is a lethal

you know uh infection so i’m wondering

so so the person in the this orb thing

they are already surrounded by bats

constantly while they go around

is that right before they release them

yeah yeah so the kind of just yeah like

you said you know they’re just flying

around

and actually with the rabies thing they

actually uh

inject rabies into the bats beforehand

um so that oh to sort of add motivation

for people to

clear out yeah yeah exactly and plus you

know we’re trying to also work on

uh this i’m sure you’re familiar with it

it’s a term called

immunity and we also want to encourage

that

with the rabies and so if everybody gets

rabies too

then maybe they’re less likely to get

you know coronavirus

okay no oh wow wait no dr london

actually i have a question here i have

not heard of rabies too this is the

first time i’ve heard of rabies too

could you just

what what separates this from just

normal old school rabies one

so yeah that’s a great question we have

a level 16

laboratory we actually

took the chronovirus covered 19

version of it and we made a hybrid virus

with the rabies one strain and we

have actually created rabies too

the ultimate rabies

i a few a few questions here for one

okay i guess we’ll start out with why

why did you do that

well i mean simply put you know

if we made the rabies to strain

i could just make a lot more money and

that’s really the only reason

essentially

yeah because it would take a lot of time

and funding and everything to

develop this new strain of rabies that’s

a hybrid of rabies and

covet 19 and yeah but once you make that

discovery you receive more funding so i

mean it really sounds like a huge

cash cow and they’re injecting it into

these bats

which to your point dr london is going

to

allow people to be more concerned about

fleeing the area and creating

a reasonable amount of social distancing

space so

so it’s really good for the community

okay so

right a few a few points here so herd

immunity

is based on you know immunity is

is that’s a big word there so

infecting people with rabies doesn’t

stop

doesn’t make them immune it makes them

die from rabies

now if you give them you know rabies

immunoglobulins

you know some antibodies then

but that’s a costly thing so i don’t see

how that

how infecting people with rabies is that

helpful and once again

if if someone’s in

an orb like the product itself is them

being in an

orb with all these rabies

two infected bats

it just sounds like it will kill them

for sure

because that’s however many bites from

the bats

and you know then if they release it

however many bites on the humans do you

see do you see how this is

you know problematic potentially right

yeah

i mean there are definitely you know a

few

issues that we definitely need to

address here

um but i mean we’ve covered pretty much

as far as a

from a liability standpoint goes

um are you guys familiar with the

platform

fiverr.com yes oh yeah yeah

that’s the that’s the website where you

offer people

usually somewhere in the range of five

dollars to draw you as a simpsons

character or a south park character

yeah yes perfect exactly so we have

actually taken advantage of that

platform

and we have outsourced all of our

research and development

um so that way you know it’s like we

paid

five dollars usd

for one individual to

actually fuse you know rabies too

and so with that you know it’s like we

really don’t have a

high level of liability in our risk is

being perfectly managed

okay so they make yeah because it’s just

cause it’s just freelance contract work

so really you’re covered

yeah exactly and since you know that

since these guys

almost certainly full-time draw either

simpsons characters

or south park looking characters

you know that they’re probably fully

licensed

to handle this kind of stuff they

wouldn’t be on fiverr if they couldn’t

you know right and i would assume so and

you know if

if anything goes wrong i’ll just take

the route that i have in the past and

blame my paralegal team and flee the

country

okay yeah and i guess that that brings

up another question

what what country are you speaking from

at the moment um so yeah that is a great

question

and a lot of people inquire about my

accent as well

um but i was actually raised

by siberian tigers and so

i had a pretty aggressive childhood and

i guess you could say

i really had to claw my way out of that

situation

um but from there

yeah that’s great but from there yeah i

actually ended up fighting in the

armenian azerbaijani war

and then when i was 14 i got adopted by

a shaman

and his name was uh you might be

familiar with them his name was

uh joe exotic yeah yeah that documentary

rod i think there was a film about it

and we traveled around the world

i slowly acquired this awkward accent

and then i actually went to the bernie

madoff

online school of law and i got my law

degree

and unfortunately

this is hard for me to say sorry

but i’ve gotten too is it hard to say

because of the accent

um not not so much because of the accent

just because of the

emotional trauma and stress that it has

put on my life

but yeah because of uh

multiple layers of legal trouble

uh let’s just say there were extreme

accusations against me in the country i

was practicing and at the time

and so i had to come to the united

states and file multiple appeals

to the bar association and now here i am

huh okay so so whenever i

ask what country you’re speaking from

you you could have just said you know

i’m

originally from this country now i’m in

the states but

no it’s good to good to hear the whole

thing um how how did you get connected

with

these clients that you’re not allowed to

tell us about

sounds like they’re pretty i mean

powerful people right or

at least wealthy people right yeah

they’re pretty powerful pretty wealthy

individuals as well

most of them i find

on craigslist sometimes back page

also angel list and sometimes you know

i’ll just go door to door

uh in like a wealthier looking

neighborhood

and i’ll just start approaching people

and

you know sometimes you’ll see people

selling you know

narcotics or whatever it may be

and i’ll just say hey i bet you need a

great attorney right

and the answer every single time guess

what it is

uh yes yeah

okay cause i was gonna say but like i

usually don’t need an attorney

i’m usually not you know in legal

trouble

i mean you might someday mate

but wait the so these the people that

you walk up to on the street

that you say do you need an attorney and

they say yes

these are the people you’re doing these

social distancing projects

for oh yes

like on their behalf so so you walk up

to

what sounded like a shady looking

character on the street and you say

do you need an attorney and

unsurprisingly

they say yes i do need an attorney and

the reason they need that attorney

is because they have these ideas for

projects for social distancing

yep that is correct okay i just wanted

to

okay so okay i have another

i guess bit of concern to raise

regarding that

first i guess invention

the um it’s not really an invention it’s

just a

because what what even are these i guess

are you

are you looking for a patent for these

things you just

look i love these ideas i think these

ideas are genius

i just don’t really understand what they

are it was asked at the beginning why

are you on this show

and then we were sort of just pitched

sort of buying

a orb that already exists and then just

filling it with animals like that’s one

thing

these are just like pitches i i guess i

don’t know what the

what the end game here is i mean yeah

the social distancing

projects essentially you know and it’s

like

maybe some of them you know like you

said with the hamster ball or

you know maybe not the most original

idea but

we still have patent pending

you know being being issued for all of

the clients

and you know okay so so these are

this is like a these are prod products

that you’re

that you’re trying to sell yes

okay how so how how much if i

because i am actually i i really hope i

don’t come off as

combative i’m just trying to get to the

bottom of all of this stuff because i

actually am really interested in the

hamster ball with the bat right

how much would that end up costing do

you think um well

you know depending on your budget and

you know how your financial situation

looks

um for the hamster ball that one is

going to be

around uh 5999

and that’s only 12 months of payments

so if you do the math on that like i’m

i’m not too great at math

quick math in the head but that’s why

i’m just the attorney you know

is is there an option like a

subscription option where maybe i pay

sort of a little bit more of a premium

every month but i always get upgraded to

the newest

hamster ball bat models when they come

out every year um i believe that’s

something they’re working on

so i don’t know if you’ve been to like a

renter center

or something like that but

let’s say yeah for example you know

maybe uh

eighty thousand dollar ball is going to

cost you

somewhere in the likes of maybe six

hundred thousand

comparison so you’re definitely going to

pay a lot more but

we can upgrade but you’re getting the

the

yeah the premium of always having the

latest in the news yeah exactly we call

it a privilege but if you want to call

it a premium too that

also works so who okay i want to go back

to who are these clients that

you said you weren’t allowed to tell us

who they were i i assumed that meant

like these were

i mean they yeah they sound pretty can

you give us a hint about like a speci

like

someone more specific um i mean honestly

i can’t really give like a specific

name or even even a specific

company unfortunately just because i

mean the

we we’re contractually obliged

uh to keep that confidential as the

attorney

yeah and the client attorney

relationships it gets a little weird and

i don’t want to lose my legal license

again

okay well what about a specific outfit

um a specific outfit for social

distancing

no no no us okay like your client you

can’t give us clues about your client

but can you

you can’t give us specifics but can you

give us a specific

outfit that one of your clients wears

and then maybe me and dr london can kind

of

figure it out from there yeah we can

maybe deduce that

yeah so i mean most of them just wear

like

blackish trench coats and

some of them wear like pig halloween

masks

and i think one of them usually wears

like an anonymous mask or however you

say it

and you um okay so these are these are

these are actors

in a skit about anonymous

i mean maybe you said you met

you met these people in a wealthy

neighborhood

yeah i mean i mean most of them some of

them you know it’s

more uh more in the alleyways of

like the where the you know where you

would be walking

up to a wealthy neighborhood so it’s you

know maybe you

take a left at the dumpster and say hey

you look like a client and you just

spark up a conversation and you know you

just keep walking to the wealthy

neighborhood as well

and then get some clients there too yeah

it just i guess to me it sounds a little

bit suspicious

um the the story seems like it changes

to a more negative one even though the

original story isn’t great

uh so one one little question i had

about i’m sorry did

like the of course the orb one with the

bats infected with a deadly

virus not a fan of that but even that

that one’s a that one’s a good one i

actually want to i want to get this

before we forget we’re going to go ahead

and put the

jock dock seal of approval on that one

all right

um does that product have a name

um the uh well which one was it the uh

hamster ball or the uh yeah this is the

hamster ball with the bats

um that one i believe they are just

calling it bat squad right now

okay bat squad yeah that that’s the

product name

i know it seems kind of confusing but i

don’t choose the

that’s great let’s we’re

we’re slapping our seal of approval on

that bad boy dj dylan can you play the

slap in our

seal of approval on that bad boy sound

effect

okay all right dr london yeah well the

point that i was making was that of

course that one is

not even worth considering but now what

i’m thinking with that

one that uses your own vocal cords

uh via i guess an implant um

i’m wondering can that be used

in a negative way potentially to make

people

say words that they don’t intend to say

um i mean you know as with

most things i mean there is that

potential i mean it’s like you have a

cell phone and

you know it’s like you have the choice

to throw it at somebody and

you maybe physically hurt them with it

or you could just simply

make a phone call um so

i don’t see how those you could make a

bomb threat which is even more dangerous

dr

london i don’t see how those are the

same because

you have the willpower to choose whether

to throw that phone

but it sounds like this device

an intentionally placed and well-placed

banana pill

could kill the most powerful person in

the country

i guess i mean you could just rip it out

if you don’t want it

well the thing is it sounds like it’s

you can’t just rip it out it’s

it’s a that’s that’s a difficult

location to reach which is why you’d

have to

be a medical procedure just to implant

that which is why i’m

you know i’m asking these questions it

it’s concerning is is my opinion on it

but

um so i guess you haven’t really

ventured into this field of what if

any of these is used in a in a way

that’s

even more negative than the current

because i i’m thinking of hackers and

whatever

with any implant that sounds you know

with an implant that speaks that sounds

dangerous to me

right that’s definitely very

understandable too and

i mean really you know it’s like i’m not

too personally worried about it i

maybe i should be but that’s why you

know we have

designed multiple layers of contingency

plans just in case

something negative were to happen and

then

essentially what we would do is i would

just recommend that the client dissolve

the llc completely and just declare

bankruptcy to

cease the further lawsuits

okay so your your stance regarding any

of these products

is you will back

off and be done with it if there’s

trouble

precisely yeah yeah

well he did state he was trying to just

maximize the amount of money that was

yeah i mean okay well

you know i i feel like

i don’t know if you have more products

but this this already seems like plenty

for us to kind of

maybe just call it this doesn’t seem

good or appropriate

uh you know for for our listeners to be

i i certainly don’t want to endorse uh

despite the

seal of approval i don’t want to endorse

something that will

kill people you know what i mean right

yeah and i don’t i don’t think you

you know any of these projects are going

to kill anybody you know more than

more than people are already dying out

there

well the rabies is a deadly virus like

it

has like a 99 more but you’re not

accounting for the amount of lives it’s

going to

save with community plus it’s already

annoying

that’s not how that that’s not how hurt

that’s not what the term

means but uh okay maybe

i feel like now is a good time to kind

of maybe wrap things up

and um get some chores done

oh yeah i completely forgot about the

chores we’re not

i mean it’s all we’ve got a whole new

year

and we still have chores well the thing

is we have been

putting off some chores and then gaining

other chores you know what i mean

yeah we got to stop adding new chores no

no we need to get things

out then then it wouldn’t be a tour for

for any new listeners or

anyone who hasn’t listened to us in a

long time

or maybe this is a new year and you

decided to listen to a brand new podcast

well we have been doing something for a

while now called the chore wheel

and basically we have been putting off

tons of tasks on our to-do list that

we needed to get done and we didn’t get

done

and so that that that to-do list that

chore list has just been piling up for a

long time

so we made this fun chore wheel we spin

it

and every week we do one chore on the

list whatever it lands on even if we

hate it

even if it’s doing the dishes or if it’s

vacuuming

or if it’s whatever we’re we’re going to

have to do it

mel can you stick around for a bit and

help us out with this

of course of course okay

perfect dr london can you can you give

that an old

uh yeah let me spin spence spence

all right

okay i did i pulled something there but

i turned it slightly

so i moved on to the next notch which

was

new year’s resolutions new year’s

resolutions this is actually perfect

timing

yeah i’ve been shocked at how the how

perfect the timing is with

a lot of these uh chore wheel well i

mean it’s selection technically it’s you

know it’s a week late

oh no sorry a year and a week late

really oh it says 2019

resolutions yeah 2000. oh okay so

like the 2019 well really the 2020

resolutions 2019 going into 2017 right

what i wanted to fix about myself in

this past year

um and so you know i guess we can each

go ahead and read off our resolutions

that we made

uh that we so 2019 to 2020.

well let’s and let’s we we need to be

looking forward here so how about this

yeah we we read everyone reads

your new year’s resolution from last

year and

we’re gonna talk about whether or not

you accomplished it or not

and then we’re gonna say our resolution

for this upcoming gear does that sound

good

yeah yeah sounds great okay

uh i mean dr london do you want to do

you want to start first okay so

uh let’s see mine it’s

okay uh just says travel more

okay so so that was your only resolution

i mean

well i like to have one big one to focus

on uh

you know travel well it says travel more

and

the implication there is meet new people

i was gonna go

you know uh on a big trip where i would

the whole plan really was to shake a lot

of hands meet a lot of people

you know uh just

and did you accomplish that or were you

were you a big old loser

an epic fail as they would say so there

have actually been

travel restrictions so i i was waiting a

couple months

for the vacation days to add up and so

when the days came i couldn’t

there were travel restrictions in place

so i have been

unable to accomplish my my travel goals

i

you know i rarely leave a house now is

really

okay all right so dj dylan i guess

play the loser sound effect maybe like a

america’s got talent like kind of kind

of thing

oh that was harsh that’s kind of mean

actually could you make that 25 percent

meanier yes oh yeah that’s

that was mean you’re right there well i

mean dr london i guess

you’re a big failure with your

resolution i mean do you have another

resolution for this upcoming year

maybe try to be a little better than

last yeah

i mean maybe something more realistic if

you’re not gonna

follow through with what you’re supposed

to do yeah i

you know i i still would like to travel

more

you know that’s not i don’t know if

that’ll be realistic but

uh any travel now

even like you know across state lines

would be a step

forward for me at this point so

travel more i’m gonna i’m i’m really

gonna do it this year i’m gonna travel

more you’re just gonna

roll it over like extra minutes from

phone plans many years ago it has not

stopped being

something that i want to do so okay

uh well should i describe mine because i

actually did

all of mine okay yeah yeah what are

yours

i had i mean you know i i had a big year

my plan this

last year was that uh my resolution was

that i was going to go to

more music festivals

and because i haven’t been to ones in a

in a few years

now and boy howdy i was able to go to

every single one like look at my list i

mean coachella

yeah i’m sorry you know that those were

canceled right

well i mean what do you mean i showed up

to the coachella

site the website there was a

i showed up to the coachella website

there was a guy there

who looked a lot like the like wayne

coin of the flaming lips

i’m sorry and there was a guy like talk

yeah on the website and we talked for a

while

and then he he played you know

all the hit songs would you realize and

and whatnot are you sure and so i mean i

went to coachella

um lolapalooza austin city limits

um and i had the time of my life and

i you know fell in love and fell out of

love

and i danced the night away and i danced

like no one was watching

um and i did molly wow

okay i did i did i feel like maybe you

just looked up

like a youtube video of people

performing

did any of your clients go did they go

to the

coachella website at the same time that

me and wayne coin were on there um i

think all of my clients were

most likely on that website at the same

time as you guys

wow and so they got to have the exact

same

huge music festival experience that i

did

probably yeah and so um

i guess my you know

so dj dylan if you could just play the

winner um

slash you accomplished your resolution

sound effect

oh wow that was really nice yeah um

and so i guess my resolution for this

next year

uh let’s see i want it to be realistic

so i can you know keep

winning could not get an epic failed

loser resolution

like dr london so let’s see

um i

want to

lick okay

as many people as i can

let’s go with like a a thousand and

okay well does it matter where you lick

like on their forehead or their arm you

know just where it can just be like

their hand

just a little bit okay because i have a

theory that

everyone always talks about auras like

people have a certain aura to them

i think it’s mostly uh smell and taste

coming off of them okay and i want to

get to the bottom of this

i thought you were going to say

something about like oral versus

aura and so it’s sort of oral fixation

okay

um okay uh mr practice

uh do you have any resolution or your

last year’s resolutions

could you read those out yes uh let me

just find the paper here real quick

and i think yeah cameron you might need

an attorney

at some point you know licking all those

people

um i found the paper here okay

2019 it says uh new year’s resolution

uh strike a pinata

full of cranberries and yeah i did that

three times this year so i did it

okay oh wow well i’m i’m not

i don’t want to sound harsh or picky but

it says strike a pinata

and if you did three pinatas then you

actually did not accomplish your goal

that you it was only the singular pinata

you’re

you’re right oh wait there’s a lit

there’s a little parenthesis

three wait wait yeah i think i

i did accomplish it then i’ll assume

that means

three pinatas okay yeah

i you know what you got me oh wow and it

was yeah it was your thumb

what must have just been covering the

three while you were holding the paper

right tricky legalese that’s why you

need an attorney

i yeah yeah i suppose so i i never ran

into that problem but

you know i’m also not a lawyer all right

i can be an interpreter

um and then you guys said this year’s uh

resolution chris

yes yes what are you gonna change going

forward

um so what am i gonna change uh

like you said earlier on the show here

a lot of people say new year new me

um well i always say new year

new tv no stds and

fresh mp3s boys

so so you’re going to avoid

acquiring a sexually transmitted

infection

correct yep or more more of them i

should

say to clarify and you’re gonna try to

repopularize

downloading mp3s rather than just

streaming music

correct yeah i like the good

old-fashioned way you know

yeah the oh the old crackle of the mp3

it’s so much better than listening to it

on streaming that’s whenever i go to an

antique yeah

i’m just looking for that kind of thing

well then it’s

authentic like am i supposed to believe

that uh death cat for cutie intended me

to listen to plans

on a streaming service or an mp3 file

okay i know what they intended right

plus i you know like to take it a step

further and also use my

at home dial up connection with my aol

disk as well to download oh wow

so you’re not even paying for internet

oh no

you’ve got all these hours free that

you’ve been stacking up

free with the cd

wow wow okay so you’re so your

resolutions

this year rhyme which i guess is

maybe another resolution in a way

all right well uh if we can go ahead

and um let’s see i guess

strap the sides of the chore wheel

across so we can pack it up

to be shipped uh i believe that’s how we

do it every week to close it out

so we’ll just stretch this clamp that

down and it’s done

okay all right well uh

that was it was it was great to learn

about some new

products and procedures uh from

mr mel practice uh and mr practice

uh is there any way for our listeners to

keep up with you after this

um well not me in particularly i’ll i’ll

kind of stay off the grid

uh except for this show you know as much

as i possibly can i’ve got a friend

uh well not really a friend he’s one of

my clients though that i met

in the alleyway i guess you could maybe

follow him on like

instagram if you’re really bored uh

i think his handle is delaney’s back

and that’s just d-l-a-n-y-s back

and that’s on the instagram okay

that sounds great uh all right yeah so

to our listeners delaney’s back on

instagram

uh all right thank you to mr mel

practice for joining us

yeah it’s been a pleasure thank you to

our producer cameron thank you to

dylan and the hoes well i’ve got a

couple of

clients currently that you know are

working on

different cancer treatments and stuff

and they have actually claimed that they

have the cure for cancer but they

explained to me

they were saying that you know if they

had a cure

that doesn’t create long-term

sustainable revenue for the business

and so if we just have these

ridiculously expensive and highly

invasive procedures

that are going to be you know occurring

ongoing expenses for months and months

then we can maximize our profits

maximize the pain for our customers and

we can carry on from there

and i can sleep happy at night knowing

that my bank account is full

my name is dr londonsmith.com and this

has been

the jock doc podcast see ya

the torches are lit lit af

fam but no matter how 100 the torches

are

they are unsuccessful in their attempts

to push back the gloom of the dungeon

corridor

so you continue in your relentless pace

forward

the clicks of your shoes reverberating

back from the surrounding stone work

finally you find an archway and duck

your head to climb under it as a cloud

of dust rises

from your heavy-footed entry you cough

and sneeze

eyes tearing up so you can barely see

the golden glimmers from the lost

treasures that make up the fortunes of

these long buried bodies

as you cough you pick up more dust

and finally you just step out of the

room

you know what no treasure is worth this

many sneezes

so you go back the way you came leaving

behind

heaps of both dust and gold doubloons

speaking of making a healthy choice

don’t forget to leave a five-star review

of the jock doc podcast in which you

share about vast riches that you

abandoned because of minor upper

respiratory allergies

and consider joining our patreon where

we have new episodes that ditch the

medical lessons to give you a hefty dose

of improvised comedy

and while you’re at it go ahead and

share the jock doc podcast with a friend

or foe

you can send them a link to your

favorite episode or just send them our

handy website

jockdocpodcast.com and don’t forget to

take a peek at our posts on social media

we are at jock doc podcast thanks for

listening